Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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