I could make wine with my vomit
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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