Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
