Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
