she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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