I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
