Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
