she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
