i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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