I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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