your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
