You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
