I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
