So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
