Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
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