His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
