There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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