she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
