so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
