it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
