Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
