Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
