And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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