My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize