I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
