I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Randomize
