I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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