the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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