Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
