So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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