I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
