You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
