I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
