My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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