I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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