Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
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