she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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