I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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