My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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