I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I think my fart just growled at me.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
