the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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