sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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