Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
