First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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