there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
