i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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