Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
