I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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