I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
