im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
