the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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