The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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