Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
