I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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