roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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