He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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